So; I guess that I can just start this whole blogging business with introducing myself, and presenting my current issues; I think that's the healthiest thing to do. It'll give me something to go back to when I make progress, a check list, if you will.

My name is Jsanea. I am 19 years old.

I honestly don't hate myself, or my body; but I find immense amount of frustration and difficulty in seeing myself of worth. When I look at myself,I don't see ugly or pretty or anything- I see nothingness. I think that this really lies in the fact that I don't hold myself to any value, I allow others to determine my value, and my negative experiences with people affect me ten times more than my positive ones do. I've never understood that about myself; that breaking up with a boyfriend can have more of an impact on my life than having a best friend who loves me for years and years. I'm not necessarily even a pessimist. I try very hard to be optimistic, but 99 percent of the time anything I want to happen goes completely wrong.

I have a lot of fears. I fear the future; I fear having any kind of anticipation; I fear men; I fear physical contact with men; I fear rejection.

I am bisexual, but from what I've come to understand, my bisexuality is a defense mechanism more than an actual sexuality, so I have the ability to recluse from men and enjoy the comfort of women because as a female women are easier for me to understand than men are. However, I'm unsure about this, I enjoy sexual relationships with women more than men, and I do enjoy both, however, my reluctance and fear with men tends to be worsened in every relationship with men I have. I have never had a boyfriend who hasn't cheated on me, been emotionally absent, or abusive.

I fluctuate occasionally between being obsessive about my appearance, to not caring at all what I look like, simply because I find myself envious of my friends. I have the tendency to look at my friends' relationships with their boyfriends/girlfriends, and say to myself, " What did they do, to get that? I want to do that." For example, several of my friends have met their boyfriends or girlfriends through the internet or through video games, and I'm so passionate about finding a mate, having a successful relationship, that I alter my methods under what they tell me made their relationship successful.

I however, over recent times, have not have the slightest bit of success. I struggle with the fear that when men look at me,they deem me invaluable, not worthy of their affection, and that's why they over look me. I've asked out eight people, dated one, and been asked out by one. All eight people I've asked out rejected me entirely to the point of being impolite to me about it, the one I dated was only interested in me because he wanted to have an attractive girlfriend,and the one that asked me out as well, was only interested in propositioning me so he could lose his virginity.

Regardless of my fear, I do want to fall in love, and be in a relationship. I am very, very scared of it now though. I'm scared to be wanted only for sexual reasons when I am shy to perform even small physical acts until a while into the relationship, I'm scared to be continuously rejected by men I find attractive because I lack value and the things that make a woman worth their time, and I'm scared that I will always be alone.


I think that's good enough. There are other things, stress issues, and such- but, these are the things I don't know how to work on, on my own. I'm talented at evaluating myself, and finding solutions and understanding my own problems, but these things I've listed are things I will need help with... Which is why I joined this forum; to gain insight, to talk with people who understand, to seek assistance.

I hope my post receives a response. I'm anxious honestly- I want to know what I should do; I want to be successful, I want to see results, I want to be confident that I am capable of having someone fall in love with me.


Octopusprince.